Ask Amy: Handy overnights dont go over well

In this article:

• Mother discovers sons girlfriends discomfort with family visits, seeks advice.
• A woman with MS worries about attending a hot outdoor wedding reception.
• Correction regarding terminology related to avoiding the Vietnam War draft.

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Dear Amy:

My 26-year-old son has been dating a girl for more than two years.

We all get along really well.

My husband and I recently moved two hours away and have stayed at their apartment approximately five times over the past eight months.

We only stay one night and usually take them out to dinner or have other fun activities with them while visiting.

One time, we were there to see other friends, but staying with them was still handy because they keep an eye on our dogs.

My son doesnt mind at all, as he has told us.

I recently found out his girlfriend does mind, and has told him that we abuse their hospitality and that she doesnt feel comfortable in her own home when were there (although she has no problem accepting free meals/drinks from us).

My son recently tried to break up with her (before this situation arose), but she talked him out of it.

Im so distraught and hurt. I no longer feel comfortable staying there. Nor do I feel comfortable having her stay at our home or even being around her.

Our son told her he is not happy about this, but is generally avoiding confrontation.

She doesnt know that he told me how she feels.

Any advice?

Upset

Dear Upset:

I take it that you are arranging these visits with your son, and he is conveying the information to his girlfriend after he has agreed to your plan.

It might help if you viewed this from her point of view.

After all, this is her home, too.

I am making an assumption that you have been staying with them mainly due to the convenience of their home being located in your previous hometown, and although these visits havent been numerous, or of lengthy duration, you are not responding to invitations from them but are asking to stay there from time to time (in part because its handy).

You should have included your sons girlfriend on any requests to stay, versus only going through your son. That way she would have a say on whether she wanted to share her home on that date.

And it must be said that bringing dogs to someone elses home overnight is a high impact thing to do, even if your dogs are well behaved.

Your son and his girlfriend dont seem to have handled this in a way that you like, but your choice to run her down in response to her stating her honest feelings is unfair.

She is trying to establish a boundary, and rather than continue to pull away, you should approach this awkward situation in a direct and respectful way, with the goal being to work this out, versus choosing to avoid her for the rest of your lives.

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Dear Amy:

Im a single 53-year-old woman (formerly a nurse) and Ive been struggling with multiple sclerosis for 20 years now.

I walk with a cane and wear leg braces to aid in ambulation.

I have been invited to a close friends wedding for her daughter. The reception is outside and in the heat of late August.

Heat exacerbates my MS symptoms, and I would struggle and will most likely sit at a table by myself while everyone is dancing and socializing.

Im happy to attend the nuptials and give a nice gift, but I dont think its in my best interest to attend the reception.

I fear my friend and her daughter may be offended.

How do you suggest I handle this?

Concerned Guest

Dear Concerned Guest:

Your friends will not be offended that you cant stay for the wedding reception but they will be honored and happy that you will attend the most important part of this celebration, which is the ceremony itself.

Contact them as soon as possible. Say, Im honored to be included, but because of my health concerns I wont be able to make it to the reception. I would like to attend the ceremony, however. If that presents any difficulties for you, I hope youll let me know.

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